Fighting Talk

Other people can really hamper productivity and cohesion at work. If only everyone would come round to our point of view everything would be fine, wouldn't it? But it is inevitable the they will sometime feel that their priorities, beliefs or values are more important than ours, I suppose.

Clashes and disagreements happen. Apparently, the average UK employee spends over two hours a week dealing with conflict, (CIPD/OPP). When handled well they can clear the air, generate new ideas and check the robustness of current thinking. Top tips for handling them well include:

• Consider the conflict from others’ perspectives - you never know, they might just have a point. How can you respond to them at the same time as disagreeing with them?
• Identify the positive intention
• Flex your behaviour for others -
• Don’t assume – check for meaning and don't fill in the gaps in your understanding on your own
• Listen to yourself - scary eh?
• Build bridges
• Listen for underlying feelings

The best one, I think, is to continue to bear in mind that there might be a solution to the problem that neither of you has thought of yet.

But what happens if the conflict seems to be without solution. If both parties are intent on winning rather than resolution?

One of the most challenging (and fun) approaches to this can be to try Timed Talk. All you need is a quite place, a timer and to agree that you are going to try this as an approach. Then.....

• Set the timer for 3 minutes
• Take turns talking for 3 minutes each for as long as necessary
• Stop talking the instant the timer goes off, even if you are in the middle of a word. If you should happen to run out of things to say before the end of your 3 minutes then save the time left for your next go
• Do not interrupt each other, sigh, sneer or tut whilst the other person is talking
• Pay them respectful attention
• If possible, have a referee
• Breath (regularly)

No doubt, for the first few turns, it will seem as if you are speaking different languages. But anger and resentment will be dissipating and the equality of the structure prevents any irrelevant tension being created.

Eventually you will begin to hear each other, despite all efforts to the contrary. In spite of yourself you might notice that the other person has made a good point. You will both begin to think instead of react.

It might seem a strange, time consuming approach. But how long can a really good disagreement last?